Relating to Eeyore (imported from Myspace)

I am going to try this diary keeping thing. I need to talk to someone, and since there is nobody to talk to, I am going to talk to myself.
I hate fighting with Andy. We never fight, so when we do it shakes my whole world around. We don't communicate well - never have - regarding sensitive issues. Therefore, it has to get bad before either of us will say much. This is not a good thing, but what can you do?
Evidently I am a terrible wife, failing in all the areas that I have striven to succeed in. I've wanted to be supportive and loving and encouraging (i.e., multiple major changes, career goals, etc.) and evidently all the while I am tearing him down in his opinion. My sense of humor is offensive and relearning how to behave is hard. I don't know what will offend him and what won't. It's a very tense, insecure place to be after 10 years of being one way. But it seems that I must learn.
Not to mention that the things that bother me are unaddressed, primarily because they aren't significant enough to bring up. (Or, I've brought them up before and seen the wrath that they incur.) I don't want to start WWIII just because I am hurt and confused.
I still feel that I carry the full load of everything regarding the home, the bills, any organization - even to the point of trying to encourage him to plan ahead for his own benefit. (I've tried to stop this though - it does no good, and just makes him mad.) He says he will help, but that never happens. And the tone of voice used towards me just speaks volumes. He says he doesn't mean anything by it, but my dad said the same thing. When you talk to someone like they are stupid, that is EXACTLY what they will think you mean. But this stuff is ultimately minor - it isn't worth fighting over right now. For the most part I don't mind keeping the house, as long as he doesn't deliberately destroy it. And he has been doing better in this area. There are still little things that make me insane, like our sleeping arrangements, not flushing the toilet, etc. Things that would be so easy to fix, but he won't do it just because. (I am starting to think he won't do it just because I have asked him to do it.)
Another issue for me is that I do wish that I didn't feel restrained with my own walk with God. I feel inhibited, even silly, to talk about wanting more from that relationship with Andy. I even feel silly (or viewed as self-righteous) if I try to read my bible at home, instead of in my car or at work. I need to get over that and just move forward. That's what all the people that I admire would do. Somehow, I am just extremely dependent, it seems. It may be that we never reach an understanding or a joint comfort discussing that issue, or it may be that we must suffer great personal loss in order to break down those walls. I hope not. But I never dreamed we would go this long in "ministry" and be this shallow with each other. We can discuss the lofty ideas, but not the heart. Sad. Maybe one day. I know that I inadvertently played a part in making him even more closed, but God knows I've tried since then to be accepting. I don't know why I can't communicate this to Andy, or maybe he just doesn't want to hear me.
Then the job, and Jack - good Lord, what else.
Pat's driving me crazy today. I'm not a freaking lawyer, for crying out loud. He has been high strung and demanding. He'll call and say, "Get a wrecker for this equipment!" and I'm steading saying, "What equipment, where is it, when, where are we taking it??" and he just completely tunes me out and starts talking to somebody else wherever he is and then says he will have to call me back, CLICK. Just that quick. People say, "well, just ask him." IT ISN'T THAT EASY!! IT'S TREMENDOUSLY difficult, in fact. So, I call the blasted wrecker service and of course, they want to know all the information I DON'T have. (Maybe the reason this makes me insane is because my dad used to do this to my mom - make her call with no information and then be mad because you didn't ask the right question.) Now he wants me to do research on Sheriff's sales, but I have no clue what I am trying to solve. I do not understand how the Sheriff's offices work between counties when doing repossessions - it will take me HOURS to figure out even the basics! If you want an assistant, GREAT. If you want an associate then send me to law school! Don't expect so much.
I'm just tired. I feel unappreciated by Pat. I feel completely misunderstood by just about everyone. Another example: Before we left for our cruise I made Josh write down the things that would need to done that next Monday. On that list I had him put down that the McDuffie interrogatories needed to go out and that this was imperative. Pat somehow invented in his own mind that I said I would do them Sunday when I came in. The ONLY reason I was coming in Sunday was to organize/clean up the office and double check that the calendars were all accurate and up to date. NOT to work on those stupid interrogatories. In fact, I even told Josh that they were completed to the point that I could do them - that Pat would HAVE to finish them before they could go out. So, I couldn't have sent them out if I had wanted to, or had time to. But he gets it in his head that I said I would send them out Sunday, then when I get back he wants to know why I didn't send them out. I told him that I didn't say that I would send them out and he insists that I did!
But I love Pat, and he is a great guy. But our work styles are night and day and I just can't take it sometimes. I can't get anything finished. I can't even get his attention sometimes. I like being here when he is here, or at least available by cell phone. When he is going crazy and busy out of the office, he is very demanding and cryptic. I know that the cryptic-ness is just him and his A.D.D., but still.
I love my husband too for that matter, but how do I show it? How do I get over this hump where I don't know who he wants me to be. It doesn't help that I have nobody. Kim is my only real friend. So, with us at odds I feel very much alone. If I just had one friend that was like me.....
I would be happy just to have my best friend, Andy, back on good terms with me.

Working for a living...... (imported from Myspace)

Sometimes I love my job and other times I just HATE working. Not my boss, though there are days he drives me crazy, I think a lot of him and we get along nicely most of the time. Today though, my gripe is not with him, but one of my coworkers. More than most anything, I can't stand a person who is fake to me. I like consistency in behavior and value trust in my relationships. Therefore, I expect that when a person has a problem with me, they will come to me, but evidently that is too much to expect around here.
Pat is the best one to work for in the office and many times I feel like someone might be trying to pull a fast one on me. So anyway, coworker decided to talk to my boss about two issues she had with me. Ready for the earth-shattering, terrible things I've done that would warrant going over my head to my boss.....well, here you go:
1) I used five dishes yesterday and didn't wash them. (DEFENSE #1 - they did them for me before I ever had the opportunity! and DEFENSE #2 - I NEVER use dishes, yesterday was just a very unusual day, the first in MONTHS.)
2) I don't say hello when I come in first thing in the morning. Yes, this is a major deal, huh? If you don't know I am here, buzz my office. Big deal. Serious inconvenience.
Anyway, just ticks me off that she couldn't come to me about these two very minor issues. I have no problem rectifying both problems, but I feel like she was deliberately trying to make me look bad to my boss. He talked to me about it, and I expressed this concern to him, and he was great about it, so why do I feel so violated?
Some days I can't wait not to work full-time.

Cruise to the Bahamas (imported from Myspace)

Had an awesome week on our cruise/visit to Jacksonville last week. Highly recommend it. We left out Monday morning and BARELY made it to the boat. Partially because we had to take a different route due to interstate closures around Lake City and partially because I read all the information back in March when we received the tickets and the part about "must arrive one hour prior to departure" slipped my mind. Note to self: re-read all applicable documentation prior to leaving home! So, needless to say, by the time I DID read that part in the ticket package, we were already in Perry, Florida and had like, two and a half hours to make it there! But, praise to Jesus, we did make.....with two minutes to spare. The terminal was EMPTY though, so I guess that was a benefit! haha.
I have to say that this was one of the best value vacations we have ever taken. We planned to do a road trip, trying to save some money from a typical vacation, but by the time we figured the gas, hotels, entertainment, etc. involved we figured that we wouldn't be saving much money, so I checked with the travel agent and got a much better deal with this cruise. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that our dinner table group paid over $150 more than we did WITH his military discount. And we didn't even book early.
Really though, we had a wonderful, relaxing time. You could run yourself to death on a cruise – there is so much to do. We chose to resist the urge though, and spent a great deal of time doing very little. Watched some new movies that we just out, played cards in the lounge areas, listened to live music and just had a great time. Plus we took a nap every day! Yay!
Nassau stunk though. I don't recommend it at all. People hawking their wares all over the place, together with bad driving, large crowds, 100 degree weather and high humidity did not make for a lovely vacation spot in my estimation. CocoCay (a private island owned by Royal Caribbean) made up for it though. It was wonderful. Looked like a movie set with its teal water, palm trees, brightly colored buildings, hammocks, etc. We went snorkeling there, which was one of the highlights of the whole trip. I've never snorkeled before and the water was so clear and the fish were colorful. Really nice day trip. Wish we could just go back there!
The food really lived up to its reputation also! It was wonderful.....and constant! Needless to say, I have blown my diet, but it's back to the gym this week. I loved how they decorated the buffets and made them so pretty.
Overall, for what we paid for the cruise, it was a 10 out of 10 in my book. I doubt we will go again very soon, (we like to try new things) but it was a WONDERFUL, much needed respite from my overly-busy life here in Alabama.

Criminal Jury Trial.....day three (imported from Myspace)

We've been in jury trials this week and boy, it's been an adventure. To spare you the details, I will suffice it by saying that we are representing an innocent man against a very dirty sex charge. Pitiful situation, but we believe wholeheartedly that this is a comedy of errors and that he is COMPLETELY innocent. Been a terrible year and a half for him and his family, as you can imagine. I've only been through one full jury trial with Pat before, an assault charge from wielding a pencil as a weapon while in jail, and that guy was guilty (in my opinion), so I didn't have a lot of sympathy. This is totally different and it has really taken its toll on me this week. The man is very simple. Simple, decent and hardworking. Wrong place, wrong time, didn't respond well. But NOT a child molester.
Anyway, even though I am not "doing" the trial, like Pat is, I still feel a great amount of pressure because of my relationship with the family. I want to encourage them and give them reassurance, but at this point, I don't know how to reassure. We rested our cases this morning, and closing arguments ended by 11:00. The deliberated before lunch, met back at 1:15 and deliberated until 4:45 this afternoon. Could be a good sign....OR.....a bad sign. Only God knows, and Pat has learned to rest in his trust in God. I need to work in this area evidently. So, I just keep praying - for the jurors, for the Sheffields, for wisdom to know how to deal with them, etc. Please pray also, as you have a moment.
Well, looks like Andy is home. We've been going crazy busy the past several days. It's starting to work on me. Tonight I had a hair appointment after work, then to the gym, then home and a million phone calls. Last night was working late, church and then dinner out. Tuesday was working late and Andy had a meeting at the church. Something all the time. In the midst is the normal housecleaning and bill paying and plumbing problems in Graceville. You know, normal life. I don't know how some women. work full-time and have children and go to church and do everything that we are "supposed" to do. :)