I am going to try this diary keeping thing. I need to talk to someone, and since there is nobody to talk to, I am going to talk to myself.
I hate fighting with Andy. We never fight, so when we do it shakes my whole world around. We don't communicate well - never have - regarding sensitive issues. Therefore, it has to get bad before either of us will say much. This is not a good thing, but what can you do?
Evidently I am a terrible wife, failing in all the areas that I have striven to succeed in. I've wanted to be supportive and loving and encouraging (i.e., multiple major changes, career goals, etc.) and evidently all the while I am tearing him down in his opinion. My sense of humor is offensive and relearning how to behave is hard. I don't know what will offend him and what won't. It's a very tense, insecure place to be after 10 years of being one way. But it seems that I must learn.
Not to mention that the things that bother me are unaddressed, primarily because they aren't significant enough to bring up. (Or, I've brought them up before and seen the wrath that they incur.) I don't want to start WWIII just because I am hurt and confused.
I still feel that I carry the full load of everything regarding the home, the bills, any organization - even to the point of trying to encourage him to plan ahead for his own benefit. (I've tried to stop this though - it does no good, and just makes him mad.) He says he will help, but that never happens. And the tone of voice used towards me just speaks volumes. He says he doesn't mean anything by it, but my dad said the same thing. When you talk to someone like they are stupid, that is EXACTLY what they will think you mean. But this stuff is ultimately minor - it isn't worth fighting over right now. For the most part I don't mind keeping the house, as long as he doesn't deliberately destroy it. And he has been doing better in this area. There are still little things that make me insane, like our sleeping arrangements, not flushing the toilet, etc. Things that would be so easy to fix, but he won't do it just because. (I am starting to think he won't do it just because I have asked him to do it.)
Another issue for me is that I do wish that I didn't feel restrained with my own walk with God. I feel inhibited, even silly, to talk about wanting more from that relationship with Andy. I even feel silly (or viewed as self-righteous) if I try to read my bible at home, instead of in my car or at work. I need to get over that and just move forward. That's what all the people that I admire would do. Somehow, I am just extremely dependent, it seems. It may be that we never reach an understanding or a joint comfort discussing that issue, or it may be that we must suffer great personal loss in order to break down those walls. I hope not. But I never dreamed we would go this long in "ministry" and be this shallow with each other. We can discuss the lofty ideas, but not the heart. Sad. Maybe one day. I know that I inadvertently played a part in making him even more closed, but God knows I've tried since then to be accepting. I don't know why I can't communicate this to Andy, or maybe he just doesn't want to hear me.
Then the job, and Jack - good Lord, what else.
Pat's driving me crazy today. I'm not a freaking lawyer, for crying out loud. He has been high strung and demanding. He'll call and say, "Get a wrecker for this equipment!" and I'm steading saying, "What equipment, where is it, when, where are we taking it??" and he just completely tunes me out and starts talking to somebody else wherever he is and then says he will have to call me back, CLICK. Just that quick. People say, "well, just ask him." IT ISN'T THAT EASY!! IT'S TREMENDOUSLY difficult, in fact. So, I call the blasted wrecker service and of course, they want to know all the information I DON'T have. (Maybe the reason this makes me insane is because my dad used to do this to my mom - make her call with no information and then be mad because you didn't ask the right question.) Now he wants me to do research on Sheriff's sales, but I have no clue what I am trying to solve. I do not understand how the Sheriff's offices work between counties when doing repossessions - it will take me HOURS to figure out even the basics! If you want an assistant, GREAT. If you want an associate then send me to law school! Don't expect so much.
I'm just tired. I feel unappreciated by Pat. I feel completely misunderstood by just about everyone. Another example: Before we left for our cruise I made Josh write down the things that would need to done that next Monday. On that list I had him put down that the McDuffie interrogatories needed to go out and that this was imperative. Pat somehow invented in his own mind that I said I would do them Sunday when I came in. The ONLY reason I was coming in Sunday was to organize/clean up the office and double check that the calendars were all accurate and up to date. NOT to work on those stupid interrogatories. In fact, I even told Josh that they were completed to the point that I could do them - that Pat would HAVE to finish them before they could go out. So, I couldn't have sent them out if I had wanted to, or had time to. But he gets it in his head that I said I would send them out Sunday, then when I get back he wants to know why I didn't send them out. I told him that I didn't say that I would send them out and he insists that I did!
But I love Pat, and he is a great guy. But our work styles are night and day and I just can't take it sometimes. I can't get anything finished. I can't even get his attention sometimes. I like being here when he is here, or at least available by cell phone. When he is going crazy and busy out of the office, he is very demanding and cryptic. I know that the cryptic-ness is just him and his A.D.D., but still.
I love my husband too for that matter, but how do I show it? How do I get over this hump where I don't know who he wants me to be. It doesn't help that I have nobody. Kim is my only real friend. So, with us at odds I feel very much alone. If I just had one friend that was like me.....
I would be happy just to have my best friend, Andy, back on good terms with me.
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