Alone

I am home alone tonight. In theory it might be fun to go out with a girlfriend and have coffee, or a light dinner, or whatever. Unfortunately, it appears that I repel everyone even remotely interesting. I can't figure out what I do, or if it really is me, but man - I have NO friends. People think I am kidding when I say that, but it's the truth. Kim is my only friend. Period. There are no others.

And I don't want it to be this way. I've tried very hard to build relationships, but people are just not interested. My dad in his profound wisdom thought it would be helpful to tell me that, "to have friends, you have to be a friend." Wow.....really? You had to say that? Talk about UNhelpful and INsensitive. But he doesn't know any better. He doesn't know that I have worked my butt off to build relationships. That every person I feel rejected by is a relationship that I have sought, I have tried to nurture....usually without a lot of help from the opposing party. That I return every email. Every call immediately. Every facebook comment. Every effort made by anybody to build a relationship with me, I try to be responsive to. If they are trying in any way, then I try to let them know that they are important. I reschedule my life and do things I am not interested in doing, all to try to have friendships. I don't know what else I COULD do except for start inviting people I am absolutely not interested in (like Melissa) to do things. But sometimes you want to be with a friend, not be in a ministry situation.

But tonight I thought I might try to get together with someone, even though it would be late notice. Surely SOMEONE would be able to do something. Nope. Texted Emily Flowers, and she was legitimately busy. (Her dad is in the hospital with blood clots in his lungs.) Also, she was kind and responsive and I really think she might be a potential friend. (Although, I am afraid to hope, so I am just assuming it's not going to work out until I determine otherwise. Easier to not be hurt that way.)

Then I texted Victoria. She had errands. I guess the errands went from 4:45 until 9:30 because there was no time for a quick dinner. She says she wants to get together next week, but I'll believe it when I see it. I have asked her out every time we have ever done anything, and the past several times she just didn't to get out of the house, so I don't see it likely that she is interested. (If spending time with me ranks underneath yard work, then I don't see a blossoming friendship.)

Then I texted Kim and got one of her famous one or two word responses with no punctuation. I hate those. The kind of that make you feel that you are interrupting someone's nice life. I'd rather no response at all. But Kim is a genuine friend and even if we annoy one another, I have no doubt that she loves us and we love her. So, although I was disappointed, it's no big deal because there is an established relationship there.

Then I texted Julie (against my better judgment). Kim and Andy both have advised me to leave her alone, since she is such an on-again/off-again friend, which is really no friend at all. But I really feel like I know her character and that this new Julie isn't the real one. Plus, I like her better than anyone else I've met since we've moved to Alabama. That makes it hard to completely give up on the relationship, although I'm close. I knew that when I was restraining myself from texting her that I was probably indulging myself in a bit of bitterness, so I thought it might be best to just invite her and if she accepted we could discuss what's going on between us. Well, she had a couple of softball games. I probably would've driven out to watch her, if she had invited me, but oh well. (She probably didn't think I would be interested, but I would do nearly anything to have a friend.) Anyway, she asked about another day, and I mentioned tomorrow since Andy has judgment house practice again, but she may be going to see a Troy game with Chris. So, I just dropped it. She can try next time. If she really liked me, she would try. I may have left her with the opinion that I was mad from my email last week, but at least now that I contacted her, if she doesn't ever contact me from here on out, I can know that it is because she doesn't want to be friends and not because she thought I was angry. I expect nothing where she is concerned. That's tragic too, because like I said, I REALLY liked Julie. She is what I would look for in a best friend.

Then I texted Brittany, who didn't even bother to text back. She may not have gotten it, but she has a history of texting when she wants something and never any other time. It's aggravating.

Then I texted Yahnna. She was going to Judgment House practice too. I thought she might be alone - that her family might all be there, and she might be free. But I assume I was wrong. Don't know for sure, since she didn't text back.

Was going to text Kaci, but Kaci has a family that is young and a husband in full-time school. Her life is busier than I can imagine, and I am so grateful that she is even my acquaintance. She is the one person who is almost always consistent. She may not talk theology, or be interested in current events or really even have any common interest with me, but she is kind, funny and consistent. That counts for a dang lot.

There. Despite the fact that it sounds like I am angry at all these people, I'm not. They're good people. I just wish someone liked me. Someone that actually knew me for real. Andy is the best friend and husband I could ask for, but even at that, you still just want a girlfriend sometimes.