I don't know what is wrong with me today - I'm a little under the weather and it's been gray out for several days, so maybe that's contributing, but I'm just meloncholy and having trouble guarding my thoughts. For some reason I am fearful - it's unfounded, and ultimately sinful, but today's been a mental battle. Twice today I've heard sermons on the radio about the death of a child/trust in suffering, so automatically, I'm just grieved to tears for the parents. One story talked about how the grandpa was brought to Christ through the death of the child, and I just beg(ged) God, "please do not use that means to reach my dad...." Anyway, normally I would just shake it off, but then it's like the war began on another front - I've been afraid of autism for as long as I can remember, and I've really struggled with fear of that, even though there's no real reason to believe that Anna Claire has any autistic tendencies at all. After all, she's EXTREMELY social, she's responsive to our smiles and being spoken to, she right on target developmentally. Maybe I think she should be trying to use consonants more in her babbling, but that's asking an awful lot considering I didn't say "da-da" until I was 5 mos. 27 days (accd to my baby book). I mean, as of today, she's only 5 months and a week or so.
God has been dealing with me about it - and I've been confessing my sin throughout the day as I let worry rise back up in me, but it's been an up and down battle today. Tonight, my devotional with Andy was about teaching our kids as they grow to plug into God spiritually - to trust HIM and not us as their parents ultimately. He reminded me that HE is in control and that HE knows what our lives are to be.
Also, Andy encouraged me by saying that Anna Claire will be exactly what God intends for her to be, and whatever she is, she will be perfect for us. I thought that was profound....and so very true. He's right - no matter what, we would love her the same. She's our blessing from God - our good and perfect gift. That really does help with my fearfulness about her development, but it doesn't help my fear of something happening to her. For that, I've been reciting Philippians 4:8 - to think on what is pure, lovely, TRUE.....it is NOT true that something is going to happen to her, there's no reason to believe that something will, and I have no evidence for my fear - it's just baseless and a waste of my emotional resources. It's Satan stealing my joy, except he isn't even having to work to steal it - I'm just giving my joy away - losing the happiness of the moment for nothing!
Also, a couple of days ago, in my devotion I re-read where Jesus told His disciples not to worry about tomorrow....I think I need to memorize that verse for posterity!
Lastly, in my personal devotion today, I read about the children of Israel and how they were complaining about not having water - they were complaining about Moses and Aaron, but ultimately they were complaining against God - not trusting His provision and character. How serious!! But aren't I doing the same? By worrying about what I can't control, aren't I suggesting that God won't take care of it, that He isn't good, that's He isn't aware, that I can change things all by myself? Frankly, I'm not sure that I'm any better than the Israelites! Shame on me!
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