Today is my second "real" Mother's Day - I guess you could say third, because I was pregnant on the first, but my little Joy hadn't arrived yet. I've really been struggling with a couple of things, and I want to put them into words, mainly because I tend to purge memories that aren't perfect, or accurate, or beneficial and just focus on the good. I do this subconsciously, and generally, the practice serves me well. I don't remember long past hurts often, can't think of things that have deeply scarred me (for the most part), and just kind of keep to the positive.
But I know one day Anna Claire will likely have babies of her own and I want her to know how her Mama struggled, so that she will know that she is normal. Likely by then I will only remember that I was busy and that time seemed to fly and that life was beautiful. Because, truly, life is beautiful right now. I am beyond blessed and I sense that constantly. It's overwhelming. I don't know if it is pregnancy hormones or the Holy Spirit, or what, but I find myself on the verge on tears often just at the blessedness of this particular time in my life. I have a husband that I enjoy and a daughter that brings me more pleasure than I could ever describe with another bundle of joy on the way.
But even as I recount the joy, I struggle with Mommy Guilt. I hear other moms talk about it, so I know I'm not alone in it. But a lot of them work outside the home and feel like the don't spend enough time with their kids, etc. Since I don't have an outside job (PTL!) I have more than enough one on one time with my baby girl. Yet, I still feel like it's not quality enough. That I'm not taking in every moment to it's fullest degree. That I'm not burning into my memory how precious she is at this fleeting age. In a sense, I feel like I am losing her already and she's just a baby still! It's ridiculous, but I don't want my baby to grow too quickly. I love hte way she loves me. The way she sits with me and strokes my hand, or leg or whatever she can reach. I love hte way that she sucks her baby thumb to calm herself and wants her lovey almost always to relax. I love to watch her grow and learn. I even enjoy teh bits of independence that are developing, although they come with a a pricetag - discipline - because I see HER. I get to peek at the little girl she is becoming. And I love her more than words. As I type, I have to type from memory because my eyes stream just getting these emotions onto paper. I ask myself constantly, "could I enjoy her more?" or "Am I missing out on ANYTHING?" I want to live fully without regrets when this season has passed, because I know that all too soon, it will have passed. I believe I really am trying to take hold and make the most of this time we have together, and I know that I will enjoy her at every stage (hopefully even during the taxing teen years). It's not like I will love her less because she will have become more self-sufficient. I guess that if I'm gut-honest, I'm afraid that she will love me less.
It's nonsense I know - probably even spiritual attack on some minor level to get me down - and most of the time I don't give in to even considering it. But should something happen to me, there are things even now, that I would want Anna Claire to know about me. So she wouldn't feel so alone when she becomes a Mom. God forbid. God preserve me to that day.
Which leads me to the second thing on my mind. Had a bit of a wake up call this weekend. Andy and I have a college friend, Josh Ryals, an extremely talented musician who was renowned for also having a bit of a swagger and a big head. Nice guy though - just had a few idiosyncrasies (sp?) like we all do. He married a sweet girl from BCF also, Leah Hicks a few years back, and they had a son, Jansen, who I think is three years old now. Well, Thursday, while traveling back from visiting family in Texas, she lost control of her car in a rainstorm and hydroplaned - it sent her off the road into the treeline where she was killed on impact. She was like, 27 or so. Just a few years younger than we are. PTL - Jansen is okay. But it has shaken me a bit. Practically speaking, to get life insurance and to be a more cautious driver. At some point my theology comes in though, and I know that God knew that her days were up, and was it not her time, she would have survived. Why it happened and why her life was cut short when her son obviously still needed her, I don't know and those are questions for eternity. But my take-away from this tragedy has been to live more purposefully and to really try to find ways to leave a legacy for my children. I want to be authentic and I want Anna Claire (and the new baby and any future children) to know that Jesus really is all that matters. I struggle with knowing how I should model that. It won't be too much longer and she will become more aware of my practices AND my words. I must be genuine.
But I so pray that God will keep me and sustain me (and Andy too, for that matter) and allow us to raise our children together. I don't want some other woman to hug her and tuck her in - although I know that God would provide, and I would want her to have a surrogate eventually, should something happen to me. But the thought breaks my heart. That's MY baby and I want to raise her. Better not even think on those things...can't do a thing to increase my days and it just makes me upset to consider. (Boy, I'm an emotional basketcase tonight! haha!)
So anyway, back to the happy. I am happy - fulfilled - blessed - overwhelmed with how full our life is. I cannot imagine a woman thinking she has to have a career to be fulfilled. To each their own, but I'm SO VERY GRATEFUL to be able to stay at home and cultivate a home for our little family. There is no greater work that I could do. Thank you, Lord!
I don't know that I feel better, so-to-speak after having purged some of this - I'm bleary and teary and a bit exhausted, but I'm glad to know it's on paper. Things always seem a bit more objective on paper and I can examine them from a distance a bit once I've lain it out there. There is no doubt that pregnancy takes a toll on your hormones! haha!!
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